The other day I went out on a date and the guy held the door open for me!! Can you believe it. How could he? Does he thinks that I can’t open the door for myself? Stupid white male. So I did what every great feminist should have done. I punched him in the face and went protesting against the male privilege. Topless! This should learn them men to respect us woman.
Meanwhile in Pakistan a woman who was raped by her cousin at gunpoint was sentenced to death because she’d intentionally seduced her cousin. Of course, it was her fault. She was sleeping in her room and the poor guy couldn’t resist his testosteron calling to rape her. She’s so guilty, right? The fact that the court sentenced her to death is flawless because it was decided by a group of men who thought that women are nothing but objects. Washing machines, child-bearing machines and sex robots.
Geez, why would feminists even worry about third world women. After all, in the developing countries there are men who control every single detail of women’s life. Not because, those men are disrespecting women or devaluing women. On the contrary, they care for them. If a woman is raped, then they should stone her to death so other women can learn how to be moral while sleeping in their own rooms and not seducing other men who “casually” walk in their rooms. See, it’s for the best for the woman. Women aren’t allowed to go to school, because why would you bother waking up at 6 am every morning to go to school (and probably seducing other men by just walking the street). After all, you’ll just end up as a teen bride. See, you’re even getting pampered. You’re not allowed to drive, because they fear for your life. Women are deficient in intelligence and driving might be really challenging, you know. So they’ll just get you your own driver who might rape you because you seduced him by sitting in the car and looking out the window. Tip: never look out the window or you’ll seduce your driver. And never look in the mirror because your eyes might meet and, ay yay yay, this is really irresistible. No one will blame him for raping you (not that they blame men for raping anyway). So you might just as well, for your own sake, stay at home so no one can rape you. Unless your brother or father decides to rape you. Then you have no out way.
Anyhow in case of rape, then you’re guilty. Don’t ever bother going to the court. They’ll just make it worse. They’ll call you the whore of the town and they’ll stone you. Not because they’re oppressing you, but they’re men and they’re strong and more intelligent. They know that you’ve seduced your poor innocent cousin to rape you. And you deserve this. Actually don’t tell anyone and, who knows, maybe you can get away with this horrible sin without anyone knowing that you were raped. Unless you get pregnant, then you have 5 months to enjoy “life”, before the baby bump starts showing up and they’ll find out. This will be your end. God only knows how, though. It might be getting stoned to death or buried alive. You don’t even get to choose how, because you’re not a man and you’re not entitled to choose anything about your life. Not even how you’ll die. I’d advise you to get on contraceptives, but you can’t. See, in third world countries you don’t get to sleep with every single guy from the football team. You just get raped by your cousin or driver so you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant because you’ll die before the sperm gets to fertilise the egg. Who needs contraceptives? Definitely not third world women. Don’t forget to remember that when you’ll get stoned by a group of men who have raped many women like you, that this doesn’t mean they’re opposing you or something. It’s the best for you. They do it all for you. I mean, what’s life worth living for? Who wants to live? Right? You might just as well die.
But don’t get too jolly because, honey, you’re no way going to paradise. I mean, how dare you dream of going to paradise after seducing your cousin? You dirty men-seducing whore. Ain’t no fucking way you’re going to paradise. But at least you don’t have to see your rapist everyday in paradise. Because your rapist WILL be enjoying his time in paradise with other rapists. At least in hell, you won’t seduce any men. Oh, and don’t forget the free sauna in hell. Who doesn’t want that? But don’t wear anything revealing, ok? Don’t play your dirty games that you used to play on earth and show accidentally your ankles or wrists. You don’t want to get raped and then stoned again in hell. Anyhow, free sauna anyone?
Dear feminists, don’t you worry your pretty little minds about oppressed women in developing countries. Oppressed what? No, they’re living like “queens”, ok? You have noble missions to do here, in the US and Europe. I mean, let’s hang this guy who thought that I can’t open the door for myself. Let’s call all men who want to pay for us sexists and let’s grow out our armpits hair. All men who don’t want to go down on us because we have a full bush down there are racists. I know, race has nothing to do with this but let’s call them racists anyway because this will make them feel guilty. If a guy doesn’t feel guilty, God forbids, we’ll use bullshit arguments against him to show him how much of a bigot he is. Don’t use facts. No facts. We don’t take any facts. Facts are just for the dummies. We use words like racist and sexist, even though we don’t really know what they mean. Let’s also boycott Instagram because we can’t share photos where you can see our nipples. First global warming and now we can’t show our nipples on Instagram. Is this the apocalypse?
This is feminism. Not just any feminism. This is third wave feminism.